Today, we celebrate our wondrous planet. We celebrate all the wondrous life on our wondrous planet–from the tallest of redwoods and the greatest of whales, down to the smallest and vulnerablest of bacteria, amoeba, and paramecium. We also celebrate our wondrous planet’s wondrous rocks of all the shapes and all the sizes and all the colors. We celebrate our wondrous planet’s angriest of wondrous stormclouds and the most wondrous of our wondrous planet’s rapidly rising seas. We celebrate the wondrous airs, be they wondrously gusty or wondrously still.
But not the fire. No, not the fire. Fire bad.
On this day, we are enraptured by our wondrous planet’s solid nickel-iron core–I affectionately refer to it as NiniFefe–which sits thousands of miles below our feet, sort of like a Tootsie Pop but in reverse, slowly cooling, fighting valiantly to counter the effects of anthropoidal-causationed geogenocidaclimatological intradisruptificationings.
On this day, we are mesmerized and enthralled with the exospheric neutral-hydrogen atoms in our wondrous planet’s geocorona that extends to the highest heavens, where Gaia, Great Mother Goddess of Urth, looks down with great disappointment upon all the children of the world, while Great Godfather of the Sky Uranus spends his time working on his ’67 Thunderbird out in the garage when he’s not gettin’ busy with that floozy Venus.
Yea verily! today is the day when those like myself…inconsiderate exploiters of greenhouse science, stubborn deniers of climate variability, horrid despisers of eternal weather stability, heinous aficionados of contemptible carbon, flagrant producers of life-giving fauna food…
Ahem.
Today is the day when those like myself are to bathe in our guilt. Today is the day when my sisters and brothers are to acknowledge that we have the power to murder the world by our very existence. We are to admonish each other and ourselves. We are to give penance through our generous greenback tax offerings and by purchasing carbon credit indulgences.
There will be no more mighty redwoods, no more giant blue whales, if we do not make these humble yet meager sacrifices.
No more bacteria, flesh-eating or otherwise.
No more rocks or clouds or water or…no, we’ll still have those. But what good will those be if we’re not around to appreciate them, gaze at them with awe, and do nothing with them except to maybe dig a few small holes in the ground for solar panel and rechargeable battery materials?
Verily yay! I say we must be kind to each other on this day, be kind to the planet, be kind to the universe…unto the infinite alternate dimensions of reality. (Just for today, though.)
We must be more like our leaders. Invite hosts from our childhood Saturday morning science programs to board jumbo jets with us, fly together to the swampy corners of the earth, and spread the Good News to all the peoples–that this is the only planet we’ve got, so we must cherish it, serve it, and worship every part of it. But please refrain from disturbing it. No, no. In remembrance of Albert, do not do this, and we shall have mortal life everlasting, forever and ever.
Ah, men.
Let me close this column marking this joyous day with an important video message from a fellow Urth enthusiast, scholar, and gentleman whom I’ve never encountered before.
Merry Urthday…Merry Urthday, every-one!
May you all be ashamed of yourselves.
