Lisa: “But… my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I’ve worked ever so hard.”
Vicky Valentine: “I’m sorry Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they are clearly not equal, is called what again class?”
(Children, in unison): “Communism!”
–The Simpsons, Last Tap Dance in Springfield (2000)
Bernie Sanders plans to make Communism great again. That’s what seems to be behind Sanders’ guarantee of a federally subsidized job for all interested. The Bernie Job would require little or no skill, pay fifteen dollars an hour, provide health insurance and guaranteed vacation time. The plan is so ridiculous it would be laughed out of a rational polity, but we don’t live in such a nation. Instead, 2020 presidential hopefuls Kamala Harris and Cory Booker endorsed the plan, and no wonder: Democrat primary voters love the plan, and a considerable number of them think Sanders is a metaphorical God or at least its earthly prophet.
An economy in which a job is guaranteed whether you have a skill or not is called what again class? That’s right; Communism. In fact, a ‘guaranteed job’ is one of at least four major characteristics of Eastern-bloc economies. As a public service to Senator Sanders, I show them here, and earnestly ask that he endorses all of them:
First, there’s the economic-calculation problem: in Eastern-bloc economies central planners set prices to prevent exploitation. One problem with that is that central planners lack the knowledge to know the ‘real’ prices of everything, mostly on the grounds no one knows. As a result, some items in a centrally-planned economy are in surplus while others are in shortage. This is the reason why toiletries are always in shortage in socialist economies—central planners consistently price such items too low.
Second, there’s the political cronyism problem: since innovation no longer pays, people no longer invest in solution to little daily annoyances, and even in providing quality services. This is one reason why service in Socialist countries was so awful; serving the customer no longer pays, so we rob them instead. The Department of Motor Vehicles offers a glimpse of the kind of socially just society we can build; where the impertinence of customers would not interrupt employees in their hour-long coffee breaks. With the visionary leadership of Senator Sanders, we can build a society where every job works like the DMV.
Third, there’s the rewarding failure and punishing success so characteristic of Eastern-bloc economies. I understand we sometimes do this in the United States, but let’s think big: in Socialist countries, managers dreaded meeting their quota of production, as the central planners would increase the quota the next year, while managers who didn’t meet their quota would receive extra resources or have their quota reduced for the following year, as long as their political connections were solid enough. Let us all dream of an economy where mere economic failure doesn’t result in a loss of social standing, or a reduction in economic perks.
Fourth, there’s Senator Sanders’ current dream, the guaranteed job. The way it worked in Cuba, when somebody entered the age of employment, he or she was assigned a job, and managers at state enterprises were directed to create that job, whether the position was needed or not. In fact, this resulted in many useless jobs, while vital but hard jobs like truck repair were constantly recruiting in a sea of unqualified candidates. Now, we too can live that dream. Imagine a world in which productivity no longer determines your compensation. Senator Sanders will lead us there. Onward anti-Christian soldiers! You have nothing to lose but your chains.
